On the Way to Broken

For a brief moment today, I got it.

I took an incident and turned it over to God. Just quietly hung my head and said, "Lord, I don't have this. I can't do it. You can. Please work through me. Help me abide in You and be led by the Spirit in me."

And the strangest thing happened.

Calm rushed over me. Peace filled my veins. No, I don't have the answer. But it doesn't matter. God isn't asking me to. He is asking me to simply lean on Him.

Oh, what utter relief!

So this is what they mean by brokenness. Utter dependence on the only One who can meet our every need.

That is a hard thing to accept. None of us really wants to be dependent on anyone for anything - much less everything.

Oh, but that brief taste of relief when I handed it over to Him! When I stopped analyzing. Stopped questioning my role. Stopped trying to figure out how to fix. He spoke so clearly to my soul.

Just be still.

You don't have to please anyone else.

Keep your focus on Me.

Quit worrying so much about what those around you think.

In fact, over and over, God has pointed me to the same Scripture this week, through different devotions and books I am reading. Amazing how He works in themes in my life! I was pointed to Paul's words as he explains that he is only accountable to His Father, no one else:

1 Corinthians 4

The Nature of True Apostleship

 ¹ This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. ² Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. ³ I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. ⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. ⁵ Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.

This may be very elementary to you. But it is groundbreaking for me. The simplest of ideas has finally clicked for me.

I will never fully please my Father, until I stop worrying about everything and everyone else around me. If I put Him first, His will before all else, He will always guide me in the way to go. And it will be the right way.

And this is scary! To be utterly dependent on God means that those around us very much may not understand us. It means that sometimes, though He helps us stand, we may be standing alone, in an earthly sense.

I have fought utter brokenness, Even as I am doing all I can to get to the point of just leaning on God, I am doing it in my own power. I am trying to manifest dependence on God. When I need to simply be leaning on Him like a small child.

I tend to act as my smallest child. Mollie, at two years of age, wants very badly to be independent. When she is frustrated or tired, she may cry out for my help while trying her hardest to fix for herself whatever has her frustrated. And she is mad that she needs my help and fights against my efforts.

How I resemble that when I fight so much for control even as I am trying to hand the reigns over to God. I hand them over, then hurriedly grab them back, shouting, "No I can do it myself!"

Instead I want to model after Mollie, when she comes to me, wide-eyed and trusting. When she hands something over to me and sweetly, sometimes resignedly, says, "Mommy, help pwease."

I want to be dependent on God for my every need. To overcome the pull of my emotions. The pull of the world. The pull of what is considered normal and common sense. I want to worry only about the opinion of the One who is judging not just my actions, but the motives of my heart. How silly to be so concerned with the opinions of those around me that I am ignoring the pull of my Heavenly Father's arms and desire to lead me through this life.

Yes, I am on my way to broken...but the thing is, I didn't find the devastation I imagined. When I handed it all over to my Father, in that moment, I felt peace and joy.

Lord, make that brief moment one of many.